Funny Quotes: Page 8

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As we end this assortment of funny quotes, I hope they helped make you smile. No, I hope there were some that gave you that belly laugh.

I believe there is truly a place in this world for funny quotes. I do hope you agree!

Never floss with a stranger.
-Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-Joan Rivers

There's a great power in words if you don't hitch too many of them together.
-Josh Billings

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
-Kevin Nealon

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
-Lewis Mumford

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
-Marilyn vos Savant

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
-Mercedes McCambridge

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
-Mike Myers

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
-Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
-Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
-Mitch Hedberg

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
-Naguib Mahfouz

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
-Norman Wisdom

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-Oscar Levant

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
-Paula Poundstone

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
-Robert Orben

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
-Stephen King

I think serial monogamy says it all.
-Tracey Ullman

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
-Tracey Ullman

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
-Voltaire

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-W. Clement Stone

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