Funny Quotes: Page 5

Page: 1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8

These funny quotes can improve one’s state of mind; even if it is only for a little while.

It has been said that comedians tell jokes to hide some of their pain. I am not sure if that is true. However, I know that I feel much better when I can engage in strong laughter.

The funny quotes gathered in this library treasure trove are well worth the time you will spend with them.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
-Saint Augustine

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
-Samuel Butler

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
-Samuel Goldwyn

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
-Spike Milligan

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
-Stephen Fry

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
-Steven Wright

I like marriage. The idea.
-Toni Morrison

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
-W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.
-W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-W. C. Fields

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
-Walt Disney

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
-Warren Buffett

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
-Will Rogers

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
-Will Rogers

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
-Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
-Woody Allen

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-Yogi Berra

Page: 1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8

Home Inspirational-Motivational-Success-Quotes Quotes By Topics Funny Quotes: Page 5 Top Of Page

Share this page:
Enjoy this page? Please pay it forward. Here's how...

Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it?

  1. Click on the HTML link code below.
  2. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable.