Funny Quotes: Page 5

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These funny quotes can improve one’s state of mind; even if it is only for a little while.

It has been said that comedians tell jokes to hide some of their pain. I am not sure if that is true. However, I know that I feel much better when I can engage in strong laughter.

The funny quotes gathered in this library treasure trove are well worth the time you will spend with them.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
-Saint Augustine

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
-Samuel Butler

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
-Samuel Goldwyn

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
-Spike Milligan

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
-Stephen Fry

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
-Steven Wright

I like marriage. The idea.
-Toni Morrison

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
-W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.
-W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-W. C. Fields

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
-Walt Disney

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
-Warren Buffett

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
-Will Rogers

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
-Will Rogers

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
-Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
-Woody Allen

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-Yogi Berra

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