Funny Quotes: Page 2

Page: 1 2

3 4 5 6 7 8

It is always nice to have access to some funny quotes to help pass the time away.

Please pass these funny quotes on to others. I believe everyone deserves a lighter moment as often as possible.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
-David Lee Roth

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
-Dennis Miller

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
-Don Marquis

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
-Elayne Boosler

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
-Ellen DeGeneres

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
-Ellen DeGeneres

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
-Emo Philips

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
-Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
-Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.
-Erma Bombeck

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
-Fred Allen

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-George Burns

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
-George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
-George Burns

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
-George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
-George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
-George Carlin

Page: 1 2

3 4 5 6 7 8

Home Ispirational-Mtivational-Success-Quotes Quotes By Topics Funny Quotes: Page 2 Top Of Page

Share this page:
Enjoy this page? Please pay it forward. Here's how...

Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it?

  1. Click on the HTML link code below.
  2. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable.