Funny Quotes: Page 2

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It is always nice to have access to some funny quotes to help pass the time away.

Please pass these funny quotes on to others. I believe everyone deserves a lighter moment as often as possible.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
-David Lee Roth

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
-Dennis Miller

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
-Don Marquis

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
-Elayne Boosler

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
-Ellen DeGeneres

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
-Ellen DeGeneres

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
-Emo Philips

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
-Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
-Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.
-Erma Bombeck

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
-Fred Allen

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-George Burns

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
-George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
-George Burns

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
-George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
-George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
-George Carlin

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